Beautiful Disaster
by vanillalovescnjonghyun
Summary: Hitsugaya Toushiro is a beautiful disaster.


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"**Beautiful Disaster"**

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_**He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know**_

My name is Hitsugaya Toushiro, but it's Hitsugaya-taichu to you.

No one can call me otherwise. Except for her.

_**He's as damned as he seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold**_

She is Hinamori Momo, a friend of my past. I try to limit her to only my past, but it seems I cannot.

Especially now.

_**And if I try to save him  
My whole world could cave in  
It just ain't right  
**_

Hinamori has been deceived by the one person she truly admires, and I had been a witness to it. As close a witness that it almost caused my death. But I would do everything for her. Everything to protect her.

_**Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
**_

Looking at Hinamori now, I no longer see that perky girl who had protected me when we were younger – I no longer see the girl I loved.

Looking at her, I only see darkness, pain and anxiety, and I feel there's nothing there in her heart left for me.

_**And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster  
**_

I could almost see that damned Aizen reflected in her eyes. I could see that her torn self had always, subconsciously, been pining for that Aizen. I respected him back then, but now I couldn't avoid loathing him.

Because of what he did. What he did to Momo.

_**He's magic and myth  
As strong as what I believe**_

I had always believed Momo to be as strong as every other girl, possibly even stronger than my fuku-taichu, Rangiku. Although the latter is known to have exquisite physical prowess, I had always believed that Momo was more emotionally intact.

_**A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see**_

Perhaps it's her innocence. But it's the same innocence that wrecked her soul.

She had adored Aizen so sincerely, with no hesitation nor doubt. She followed him everywhere, thus, became attached to him more than ever. So when he betrayed Soul Society, she didn't know how to handle it.

Yes, it was her innocence that got the best and worst of her, and it pained me to see her like this.

_**And do I try to change him?  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold on tight  
Hold on tight**_

And so I tried my best to protect her, because for me protecting her would conceal all that I felt for her. By believing that I protected her for her own sake, my heart and conscience told me otherwise.

I protected her for my own sake – I protected her to let my feelings out of my system, and so afterwards I can conceal it, and hide it from everyone. By protecting her I had reasons to stay by her side, I had reasons to be with her at all times.

_**Oh 'cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
**_

So when she pointed her zanpakuto at me, I was death scared. Scared not of dying, for I knew she would not be able to scar me. I was scared that she had started to doubt me, that she had rejected my intentions of protecting her. Because if that was really so, I had no reason to stay with her any longer.

_**And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster**_

But I realized I had really wanted to protect her, and protect her in the midst of all. I would risk my life to save her from her deepest fears, until she broke free of Aizen and his illusions.

_**I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical  
**_

I longed for her to cut herself loose from the dark abyss of memories and lies she had created on her own, so that I could hold her and tell her about what I feel. Then maybe we could finally be together, not just as friends or family, but as lovers, like Byakuya-taichu and his Hisana.

_**I'm searching for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long  
So long  
**_

But it seems that I had created a mirage of my own, because she will never step out of this trance. I watch her from the high window of her room as I stand outside my office gazing down upon her, and I see her talking anxiously to herself like a woman gone mad.

She's had this peculiar behavior for more than a year now, and no one expected her to recover. Even Abarai and his freaking flaming hair gave up on trying to cheer her up, for she would smile for a little while and end up crying and saying how much she misses her captain.

Many times during these sessions I would stand in one corner of her room, watching them from afar, and even from my place there I felt sorry for her andfor Abarai.

The battle with Aizen had been won, but this battle for Hinamori had ended up a stalemate – no one emerged a winner, but we only could extract loss.

_**He's soft to the touch  
But frayed at the end he breaks**_

I think Hinamori noticed me watching her, for now I see her walk up to her window and wave at me.

How strange. She hadn't done that for quite a while. I left my office and went up to her. I placed a hand on top hers on the window sill, staring deeply into her eyes.

I was on the verge of crying.

"Momo."

_**He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take**_

"Bed-Wetter?"

I was shocked. What was that she said?

"Bed-Wetter?" she said again.

I nodded nervously.

She pointed a thin finger at me. "Shiro… chan?"

I nodded again. Was it happiness I'm feeling or defeat?

_**Oh 'cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
**_

"Yes, it's me, Shiro-chan."

She smiled and nodded.

"I remember Shiro-chan very well." She pointed to my hair. I unmindfully touched it.

"Momo, I want to…"

_**And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter**_

I placed both hands on her fragile shoulders.

"Tell Bed-Wetter Momo Shiro-chan wants her to come back."

_**Would it be beautiful**_

She started to cry. I started to cry, too.

_**Or just a beautiful disaster?**_

"I will, I will."

I gave her a tight hug. One thing I haven't done in years. I would never regret doing this. Even if Yamamoto-san would kill me.

_**Beautiful…**_

"Tell her to come back soon, okay?"

_**Beautiful disaster…**_

"I will…"

_**Beautiful…**_

"Shiro-chan."

I pulled back and stared at her.

Did she just…?

My thoughts were interrupted.

"Taichu, it's time to go."

It was Rangiku.

But I was still looking at Momo.

"There Is no need, Matsumoto."

"What?"

_**Just a beautiful disaster.**_

"She's back. Momo is back."

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_**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach nor the song used in this fic.**_

_**A/N: Credits go to the song "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. Again, it's not mine.**_

_**Please drop a comment. Reviews are really appreciated. Thank you. Ja - yoko no hime**_


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